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Threads : RE-HASH#1: Sex before marriage....
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From : Nathalie ( - 216.13.42.96)
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17 Nov 1999 13:45
Message : 1 of 33 (ID: 80)
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Well, since it seems you all want to jump in on this one (for the benefit of those who missed this thread, of course!)let's go.
Here's my story:
Yes actually, I am holding out until the wedding night. Not a virgin thing though. We've been together six years, and I decided to try and stop for the last six months. My FH was not too thrilled about that decision I must admit. Many reasons influenced my decision. I wanted to experience the anticipation of the wedding night. And quite honestly (and boy this is what turns up the heat on this topic) I had a few religious ones too. I'm not some 'ram-it-down-your-throat bible thumper, and I don't consider sex before marriage a mortal sin that will land me in hell, (it better not or I'll be the first to fry!) but I do believe that God intended us to try and wait until we are married to physically share ourselves with someone. I say that in the sense that I believe that to experience a beautiful, truly rewarding and fulfilling physical relationship with someone you must be completely commited to them. And of course marriage is the biggest committment you can make. So in that respect I think there is that certain 'dynamic' brought through marriage that means it's not just 'some piece of paper', and whatever that is, it's real. And that's the specialness I hope to feel on my wedding night - not the 'first experience' physically, but one mentally and emotionally, because we will be married, and 'truly' committed. So like I said it's not a fear of 'going to hell' but rather a personal challenge. And no matter what God really believes in the end ( and I certainly don't presume to know what that is) I guess as silly as it seems I hope that He will at least apprecaite my effort in doing something that I thought would please Him. And in the end I will have gained a very beautiful moment with my new husband. A sacrifice for me none the less. I did not always see things this way, and 10 years ago I would probably have laughed if anyone would have told me this, but I guess it's what I consider my personal spiritual growth.
It's kind of funny because I recently asked my FH if he wanted to 'give in' earlier because we want to try to have a baby right away when we get married, and my cycle falls exactly at the time of the wedding, which means it could actually be a day or two before and we would miss the opportunity to conceive that month. Anyway, he said no, that we had waited so long that he was also anticipting that night, and how special it would be to 'be together' again. We laugh about how we'll be 'experienced virgins'. I must admit that it was really hard, but I think it will make it more special.
You know, it's not so easy to put this very personal stuff out there for you guys to read, I had to stop a couple of minutes to decide if I actually wanted to post this. I guess in the end none of us want to be judged, or thought of as weird.
So I hope I have conveyed my personal choice and explanation in a way that is not judgemental or offensive, because that was certainly not my intent, and I know how heated this topic can get. And being one of those awful 'sinners' myself, I don't believe in this horribly judgemental and vengeful God.
The floor is yours… :-)
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From : Krista ( - 144.92.44.76)
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17 Nov 1999 14:54
Message : 2 of 33 (ID: 84)
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I applaude you for sharing your story with everyone! I am actually worrying about the similiar things. I am worried that the wedding night won't be as special, or that we'll get too drunk and it won't be anything at all! Though my wedding is a little over a year off, so I might try what you are doing 6 months before. It's a great idea!
Thanks!
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From : Suznyc ( - 204.143.177.186)
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17 Nov 1999 15:06
Message : 3 of 33 (ID: 86)
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Well, I'm pretty sure I'm going to fry in hell, since Bruce & I lived together for 8 years before we got married! I don't think it affected us adversely, either. I think it's a personal choice and whatever is right for you is good. Next?
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From : Robin ( - 206.172.232.61)
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18 Nov 1999 12:01
Message : 4 of 33 (ID: 97)
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We decided to stop having sex two months before our wedding. We weren't sure how well this would go, so we have already done a... "test run". I don't know if it was the anticipation, or just not having had sex for TWO MONTHS, but when we did make love again, it was FANTASTIC, GLORIOUS, WONDERFUL, PASSIONATE... :>) you get the idea. So now we are both all for the idea. It will be an incredible ending to an incredible day.
I too missed this thread in the old postings. I think it is a wonderful idea.
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From : Andrea M. ( - 141.140.44.31)
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18 Nov 1999 13:55
Message : 5 of 33 (ID: 111)
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Suz, We shall fry together! LOL
Nathalie's story is good - it might have been fun to try it that way - S. and I never discussed it, but we kind of mutually decided not to initiate sex in the last several weeks before the wedding (which felt like a sacrifice - six months would have been interesting to try!)
Of course, he and I have been together for oh, I forget, more than five or six years now, so physical intimacy was nothing new. We both had previous marriages, and for both of us, that former spouse was our only other intimate partner.
It would have been fun to have come into the marriage with both of us virgins, and to have had the experience of learning each other in that way, but it was not to be in this lifetime. Maybe next time he and I meet we'll do it that way...
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From : Jill ( - 152.163.201.204)
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20 Nov 1999 16:09
Message : 6 of 33 (ID: 183)
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Okay, I'll fess up too. I will join the others in the frying pan, because I too, couldn't wait until marriage (; But, anyways, John and I decided to stop 3 months ahead of time for a couple of reasons....to mess around with my pill so that I won't get my period during our honeymoon, to take a breather from the sex for a while and concentrate mainly on this HUGE change in our lives, and to experience that wonderful Born-again Virgin Feeling. We have gone a week or so sex free due to our busy schedules, and not living together, but 3 months is going to be a challange. I'll be happy though, when the time comes because I know I want to feel the whole wedding night excitement. Hope we won't be too tired...(-;
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From : Suznyc ( - 204.143.177.186)
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22 Nov 1999 09:09
Message : 7 of 33 (ID: 198)
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From : Andrea M. ( - 141.140.44.31)
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22 Nov 1999 10:38
Message : 8 of 33 (ID: 202)
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From : Dee ( - 216.154.9.229)
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22 Nov 1999 13:08
Message : 9 of 33 (ID: 209)
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Nathalie,
I'm so glad this thread was re-open...I have been struggling with exactly the same issue. I have been trying to get prepared for chastity. My FH understands my decision and even somewhat shares it (we got to know God together). O.K. we're not pure, we've had sex for all these years, and even worse we moved in together just over a year ago. I can say it's been going well, no problems until last night. We did it. And the worst part is that he saw instant fireworks and I had major issues in my head that wouldn't permit "the river to overflow" (I didn't know what other analogy to use, sorry). It kinda sucked, and it's not the first time (since the internal debate). I can't be a virgin, but I want that night to be RREEEAAALLLYY special, i'm sure the lingerie will help (yeah baby).
How did it go with you, I keep thinking when weeks have gone by, we made it, nope we mutually give in and the concerns of keeping eachother don't let us enjoy the way we use to.
My wedding is Aug 19, 2000, long way to go, but I'll keep trying...
I think if you've had sex before, 100's or 1000's of times, on that night it should all be put behind you, in a sense it is your first, your now married.
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From : Andrea M. ( - 141.140.44.31)
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23 Nov 1999 00:33
Message : 10 of 33 (ID: 240)
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I wonder if anyone out there is doing a study of this phenomenon - engaged people who have been intimate deciding to abstain from sex for some period leading up to their wedding - I am surprised to see how many people have arrived at that kind of decision, as it's not something I've seen written about or discussed in the popular culture...
Anyway - Dee,
You've got almost a year to go before your wedding. You and your FH have been intimate before, and you live together (don't feel guilty about that!). It sounds like you may be asking too much of the two of you to abstain for all that time - after all, if you pull religion out of it (I know I'll get bashed for this by somebody, but stay with me), what you have are two consenting adults (I assume), a shared household, a pending contract for a long-term committment, a reliable method of birth control (yes?), and a shared intimate history. While taking some time off from sex before the wedding is perhaps commendable (though none of us giving it up will have attained born-again virgin status) and nice in it's way - why torture yourselves for a whole year?
I know that for me, those times when I have been away from my mate for a period of time (i.e., we haven't been intimate for a couple of weeks for whatever reason), sex starts to take on a weirdly inlfated importance in my head (and not that I'm just longing for it), like it just becomes something to be anxious about... oh hell, this isn't making any sense, sorry.
It's just those "issues" you mention in relation to sex won't neccessarily get smaller the longer you postpone intimacy with your mate. They may just get bigger.
Sometimes sex is profound and earth shaking, sometimes it's quick and physical, sometimes it's just a sleepy comfortable thing, usually it works and occasionally it doesn't. While it is an important part of the glue that holds your relationship together, it's also not a big deal, or shouldn't be, encounter-by-encounter.
I'd suggest you stop berating yourselves for loving each other's bodies - for the time being enjoy each other (life is short, after all), and climb onto the abstinence wagon sometime in June or July of next year. God won't hate you, and your wedding night will still be special - it's the only night in your life you'll climb into bed wired and completely exhausted and still feel compelled to have sex with the love of your life, and to make it good, dammit, even if it takes hours, and you'd probably perform better after you got some sleep! LOL
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